I’m married to a sales manager whose job comes with long hours and frequent out-of-state travel. When he’s on the road, he leaves before the sun is up and comes home days later, long after the kids are asleep. During the busiest part of the year, even when he’s not traveling, he’s gone before we wake up and home after bedtime.
There are moments when I think, Is this what single parenting feels like? But I know it’s not. I don’t carry all the weight a single parent does.
But I am a stressed, lonely, irritated, exhausted parent who just wants her partner to come home. I’ve started calling myself a “stranded parent.”
I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, so I reached out to three friends living similar lives to hear what it’s like for them—and what’s helped.
Joan has three kids ages baby to 7. She’s married to a football coach and football season is a long time of not seeing one another very much. She told me it’s easy for her to take her partner for granted. She misses his help with mornings, entertaining the kids for a bit after dinner, giving her a chance to breathe.
Evenings are the hardest. After the kids go to bed, she’s either completely exhausted or staring at a messy house. Her husband usually does the dishes. But what she misses the most about her missing partner is sitting next to him on the couch and talking about her day.
The kids miss their dad of course and act-out more when he’s gone a lot. She makes sure to spend more time with the kids, even though she knows it doesn’t quite fill the void. Joan takes them to their dad’s football games, but watching from the sidelines isn’t the same. She really protects that family time when her husband comes home so they can all spend time together with Dad.
Bessie is a teacher, and her husband works from home while caring for their 2-year-old. But once a month, he travels out of state and that’s when life gets hard. No matter where a parent works–at home or away–parenting in the evening is exhausting without help. So she asks her parents to come over for dinner when her husband is out of town. It’s a great way for Bessie to get a break, and for her daughter to spend time with more caring adults in her life.
Jesse owns a general contracting business and works as jobs come, and his wife is a regional manager for an international company and travels often. She’s continuing to pump breastmilk as their 1-year-old nurses when she’s home, but Jesse says getting their son to sleep is a nightmare when Mom is gone. It’s going a bit better since Jesse started FaceTiming his wife at bedtime. Their son noticeably settles down. For now, this is working.
Jesse says their son is quieter when Mom’s traveling. He makes it a point to be extra nurturing and gentle, knowing that he’s trying to fill a big gap in his baby’s life.
It really helped me to feel heard and understood to talk to these friends. I have learned to lean heavily on family, friends, and my AP parent group.
One of the first things I tried to relieve my stranded feeling was to have a friend bring her kids over for dinner when my husband is traveling. Having another adult around during that witching hour is such a relief!
Keeping our routine as normal as possible helps, too. The less disruption for the kids, the smoother things go. I’ve learned the hard way not to start new habits or make big changes when the other parent is away.
We also use technology to stay in touch and let my husband read bedtime stories even when he’s on the road. When he’s local but busy, we try to sneak in a lunch or even a quick snack together.
Some days my kids are just going to be upset—and there’s nothing I can do about it. When I feel myself getting overwhelmed, I step away briefly to regroup. Finding small moments to calm my mind matters.
And this isn’t just about parenting. Being apart from the person you love is hard. My husband and I send each other little love notes—quick texts that say, “I’m thinking of you,” or “Thank you for everything you’re doing.” Those messages go a long way.
What matters most is letting myself get the support I need and remembering that this season is hard for everyone—but we’re not alone.
(This post was inspired by “Stranded Parent,” 2012.)